Can I Be Friends With My Ex After Breaking Up?

Flirtation, attraction, desire, intimacy, love... and then friendship?  Does that make any sense?

Probably not, especially if you've ever asked the question "Can I be friends with my ex?"  Because no matter what happened between you in the past, any future you have together can't possibly involve a platonic friendship... not for any length of time, at least.

The upside of staying friends with an exboyfriend or exgirlfriend are many, but they're all temporary blessings.  At first, you still get to talk to and even hang out with the person that you dated.  This is especially appealing for those who weren't ready for their relationship to end, and still hope to somehow win back their ex boyfriend or girlfriend.  By staying friends with them, they're logically thinking that it will help their chances of convincing them to give things another shot.

And since you're trying out the possibility of being friends with your ex, you don't have to let go of that person all at once.  Gradual detachment is a very attractive thing when you're talking about losing someone you've just spent a whole lot of time with.  Many couples talk, text, or see each other on a daily basis.  Losing someone that close to you all at once can really hurt, which is why staying friendly after breaking up can help soften that blow.

Yet there are some real downsides to being in an ex boyfriend or ex girlfriend friendship.  Some of them include the following:

Being Jealous of Your Ex

Whenever your ex moves on with his or her life, you're always going to wonder what that life would've been like had you remained together.  As your ex succeeds in dating someone else, you may feel like you weren't good enough to be that person.  Jealousy over your ex's new lovelife may cause bitterness on your part.  These are natural human emotions, and it's hard to suppress them just for the sake of friendship.  Watching your ex date, kiss, and be with other people can really tear you up inside, and you'll end up keeping these emotions in check for the sake of the friendship.
Feeling As If You Were the "Loser" of the Break Up

There's no such thing as a mutual breakup, no matter how many people try to sell you that line.  In every single case, someone is going to always feel at least slightly rejected.  Even if you feel like the break up was good for you, the rejection associated with it is not.  This will translate into more bitterness toward your ex.  Before asking can I be friends with my ex, ask yourself if you're still totally okay with the way your breakup went... and whether or not you still have unresolved feelings for that person.

You Can Never Be Honest With Your Ex

If you're on the receiving end of the break up, sharing your life with your ex boyfriend or girlfriend will be extremely hard.  You'll want to pump up every success and make it sound as if you're doing just great without this person, simply to raise your level of comfort.  Because of this, you'll never really be able to have an honest conversation.  You can always confide in friends, especially through bad times... but in the case of an ex boyfriend or girlfriend this type of honest communication just can't exist.  You'll be too busy showing your ex that you're not wounded or damaged.

You Can't Be Happy For Your Ex

No matter what your ex boyfriend or girlfriend goes on to do in life, you'll have a hard time being happy for them as a good friend should.  It's not that you'll wish bad things upon them, but as a consequence of breaking up with you you're always going to want them to be less successful.  These type of jealous feelings are not good for a friendship, and over time you'll spend more and more time pretending and less and less time actually caring for this person you were once so close to.  Your ex's happiness will be like poison to you, simply because you're not a part of their romantic life.

Eventually You'll Want Your Ex Back

In almost every case where people become friends after breaking up, the one who had their heart broken will fantasize about the return of the romance.  If this is you, you shouldn't even be bothering with the issue of can I be friends with my ex.  What you want here is a relationship or romance - not a friendship with this person.  Jumping into a friend-type role is nothing more than your way of trying to stay within your ex's line of sight... a goal that isn't really going to get you where you want to be.  In fact, the more removed you can be from your ex's field of vision, the more that person will start to miss you.  Wanting to get back together with your exboyfriend or exgirlfriend is an acceptable goal, but friendship is certainly not the way to do it.

Are you trying to be friends in the hopes of winning your ex's heart again?  If so, there are better ways of doing it.  Instead of locking yourself in a platonic prison from which you can't possibly get your ex back, you should be dealing with your feelings in a more honest way.  There are techniques for reinserting yourself in your ex's life in a more romantic aspect instead of a buddy role.  There are also methods you can use to get your ex thinking about you again, and even wanting to be with you.  These moves are actually easier than you think, when you apply them with an honest approach.

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Uncle Wes and His Flying Truck

Uncle Wes was this wonderful father figure.  Although I had a very good father, Uncle Wes often stepped in and added a special dimension to my childhood and the memories I now have, in additon to what I gained from my own parents, adults in the neighborhood, and friends of the family. 

It was over sixty years ago, in the 1940s, when Uncle Wes had this special black truck.  The amazing thing about his truck was that it could fly. 

Uncle Wes would call up our home on some Friday nights and invite me to go with him to cemeteries in his flying truck...the next day.

A parent might be scared of knowing that a child would be riding in a flying truck and certainly not to go to cemeteries.  Why in the world would they be flying and spending time in cemeteries?

Uncle Wes was my mother's brother and all the family was very special. We all knew Uncle Wes to be a great man. 

I would never hear the special black truck coming, because it was a quiet truck.  That's probably because Uncle Wes kept his special black, flying truck, in tip-top condition and it was pretty new, too.  I always would be sitting on the top step of our steep stairs leading up to the big porch at our house on Willets Place in Ithaca.  He would ride up the hill on East Buffalo Street and turn on Willets Place, a private street where the Ithaca College Infirmary was also located, and the President of Ithaca College's home was in front of us.

I'd run down the stairs and jump in the truck when I'd see Uncle Wes turn the corner and head down the street.  I'd always be looking forward to my times with Uncle Wes.

Off we would go and once we were on the road Uncle Wes would announce that we were now lifting off and starting to fly.  I believed him.

Was I not bright?  How come I fell for ths?

I guess because I didn't stand up on the seat and I was just a little child, I believed with all my heart that we were flying and heading for the cemetery.

Why would we be going to a cemetery?

Uncle Wes owned a monument shop where he sold granite and marble monuments and flat, rectangular slabs of stone, giving honor to those who had died.

He was skilled in chiseling in the names and dates of the person who had died and always put the birth and death dates.

My job was to help him clean up afterwards.  We would take rags and clean the monuments and flat stones with turpentine or mineral spirits and then we would take grass clippers and trim all around the granite parts or marble areas and get everything looking great.

Sometimes we headed for other parts of a cemetery to do more work...or we would head out, flying, to another cemetery in Ithaca or outside the city.  Mostly, we would spend the whole day together.

At some point we would stop work and eat our bag lunch.  We would always have a sandwich, maybe an apple or banana, water to drink, and either Aunt Mary's delicious chocolate cake or something my mom would send with us.

Uncle Wes and Aunt Mary had three children and at least one was now an adult.  But, one of the children was a boy just about my age, just a little younger, and we were like brothers. 

I guess he went out with his dad at other times, and maybe his sister and older brother had done the same thing, too, but these Saturday trips in the flying truck were just our times together.

What a geat man and what an example he set for me.

We might have been only spending time in cemeteries and flying in that special black truck, but I think that's where I learned great respect and honor for the people who had died, and where I learned that we should always spend time helping little chlldren to develop well.

I cherish what Uncle Wes did for me and he will always be in my heart.

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Iker Casillas Real Madrid

Iker Casillas Fernández (Spanish pronunciation: ['ike? ka'si?as fe?'nande?]; born 20 May 1981) is a Spanish football goalkeeper who plays for the Spanish La Liga club Real Madrid and the Spanish national team, being the captain of both. In 2008 he led the Spanish national team to their first European Championship in 44 years, and in 2010, to win the World Cup, being also named the tournament's best goalkeeper.

Iker Casillas Real Madrid Video and Image Gallery.

Since his early professional years as a teenager, Casillas has been recognised as one of the best goalkeepers in Europe, being nominated for the European Footballer of the Year award twice, ranking fourth overall in 2008 and continuing to be the highest-ranked goalkeeper again in 2009.At the end of 2009 he was voted into the UEFA Team of the Year for the third consecutive time. As of July 2010 Casillas is one of a very select group of players who have won all major club and national championship titles. In 2010, he was awarded with the Sports Prince of Asturias Award. On 19 October 2010, Casillas became the most capped goalkeeper of all time in the UEFA Champions League.

Casillas was born on 20 May 1981 in Móstoles, Community of Madrid to José Luis Casillas, a civil servant in the Ministry of Education, and María del Carmen Fernández González, a hairdresser.Both his parents had emigrated from their home town of Navalacruz, Ávila.When Iker was a child, he lived for some years in the Basque Country, but he has always considered Madrid to be his hometown.[citation needed]  Casillas has a brother, seven years younger, named Unai, who currently plays as a central midfielder for CD Móstoles.

As a young child,one weekend Casillas forgot to post his father's football predictions on the weekend his father had correctly predicted all 14 results. The family lost out on an estimated €1m.Iker Casillas Fernández (Spanish pronunciation: ['ike? ka'si?as fe?'nande?]; born 20 May 1981) is a Spanish football goalkeeper who plays for the Spanish La Liga club Real Madrid and the Spanish national team.Iker Casillas Fernández (Spanish pronunciation: ['ike? ka'si?as fe?'nande?]; born 20 May 1981) is a Spanish football goalkeeper who plays for the Spanish La Liga club Real Madrid and the Spanish national team.

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Exclusive Friendships

An excellent and gentle man of my acquaintance has said, "When fifty-one per cent of the voters believe in cooeperation as opposed to competition, the Ideal Commonwealth will cease to be a theory and become a fact".

That men should work together for the good of all is very beautiful, and I believe the day will come when these things will be, but the simple process of fifty-one per cent of the voters casting ballots for socialism will not bring it about.

The matter of voting is simply the expression of a sentiment, and after the ballots have been counted there still remains the work to be done. A man might vote right and act like a fool the rest of the year.

The socialist who is full of bitterness, fight, faction and jealousy is creating an opposition that will hold him and all others like him in check. And this opposition is well, for even a very imperfect society is forced to protect itself against dissolution and a condition which is worse. To take over the monopolies and operate them for the good of society is not enough, and not desirable either, so long as the idea of rivalry is rife.

As long as self is uppermost in the minds of men, they will fear and hate other men, and under socialism there would be precisely the same scramble for place and power that we see in politics now.

Society can never be reconstructed until its individual members are reconstructed. Man must be born again. When fifty-one per cent of the voters rule their own spirit and have put fifty-one per cent of their present envy, jealousy, bitterness, hate, fear and foolish pride out of their hearts, then socialism will be at hand, and not until then.

The subject is entirely too big to dispose of in a paragraph, so I am just going to content myself here with the mention of one thing, the danger to society of exclusive friendships between man and man, and woman and woman. No two persons of the same sex can complement each other, neither can they long uplift or benefit each other. Usually they deform the mental and spiritual estate. We should have many acquaintances or none. When two men begin to "tell each other everything," they are hiking for senility. There must be a bit of well-defined reserve. We are told that in matter solid steel for instance the molecules never touch. They never surrender their individuality. We are all molecules of Divinity, and our personality should not be abandoned. Be yourself, let no man be necessary to you. Your friend will think more of you if you keep him at a little distance. Friendship, like credit, is highest where it is not used.

I can understand how a strong man can have a great and abiding affection for a thousand other men, and call them all by name, but how he can regard any one of these men much higher than another and preserve his mental balance, I do not know.

Let a man come close enough and he'll clutch you like a drowning person, and down you both go. In a close and exclusive friendship men partake of others' weaknesses.

In shops and factories it happens constantly that men will have their chums. These men relate to each other their troubles they keep nothing back they sympathize with each other, they mutually condole.

They combine and stand by each other. Their friendship is exclusive and others see that it is. Jealousy creeps in, suspicion awakens, hate crouches around the corner, and these men combine in mutual dislike for certain things and persons. They foment each other, and their sympathy dilutes sanity by recognizing their troubles men make them real. Things get out of focus, and the sense of values is lost. By thinking some one is an enemy you evolve him into one.

Soon others are involved and we have a clique. A clique is a friendship gone to seed.

A clique develops into a faction, and a faction into a feud, and soon we have a mob, which is a blind, stupid, insane, crazy, ramping and roaring mass that has lost the rudder. In a mob there are no individuals all are of one mind, and independent thought is gone.

A feud is founded on nothing it is a mistake a fool idea fanned into flame by a fool friend! And it may become a mob.

Every man who has had anything to do with communal life has noticed that the clique is the disintegrating bacillus and the clique has its rise always in the exclusive friendship of two persons of the same sex, who tell each other all unkind things that are said of each other "so be on your guard." Beware of the exclusive friendship! Respect all men and try to find the good in all. To associate only with the sociable, the witty, the wise, the brilliant, is a blunder go among the plain, the stupid, the uneducated, and exercise your own wit and wisdom. You grow by giving have no favorites you hold your friend as much by keeping away from him as you do by following after him.

Revere him yes, but be natural and let space intervene. Be a Divine molecule.

Be yourself and give your friend a chance to be himself. Thus do you benefit him, and in benefiting him you benefit yourself.

The finest friendships are between those who can do without each other.

Of course there have been cases of exclusive friendship that are pointed out to us as grand examples of affection, but they are so rare and exceptional that they serve to emphasize the fact that it is exceedingly unwise for men of ordinary power and intellect to exclude their fellow men. A few men, perhaps, who are big enough to have a place in history, could play the part of David to another's Jonathan and yet retain the good will of all, but the most of us would engender bitterness and strife.

And this beautiful dream of socialism, where each shall work for the good of all, will never come about until fifty-one per cent of the adults shall abandon all exclusive friendships. Until that day arrives you will have cliques, denominations which are cliques grown big factions, feuds and occasional mobs.

Do not lean on any one, and let no one lean on you. The ideal society will be made up of ideal individuals. Be a man and be a friend to everybody.

When the Master admonished his disciples to love their enemies, he had in mind the truth that an exclusive love is a mistake. Love dies when it is monopolized. It grows by giving. Your enemy is one who misunderstands you why should you not rise above the fog and see his error and respect him for the good qualities you find in him?